Evil Hearts U
by Kevvy Talks
Summary: There are only two things that can make Ichigo crap his pants. The two are omnipotent when combined.


**Evil Hearts U**

**Characters/Pairings: Ichigo/Byakuya**

**Rating: T**

**Genre: Humor**

**Summary: There are only two things that can make Ichigo shit his pants. The two are omnipotent when combined.**

* * *

Before the _thing, _Ichigo would have surmised there was only one thing that could effectively make him shit his pants.

This tiny spitfire of pure evil was Rukia Kuchiki. Now, in the short two months he'd known Rukia, he'd learned, through great consequence, that what Rukia wanted, she _got. _It didn't matter by what methods she used, she would milk you until there wasn't anything left.

He was pretty sure nobody had survived her evil-ness. She was, from his view, the spawn of the devil. And even while at moments they were compatable, this, my friends, is just a front to fool you.

Ichigo always knew at one point or another, she would end up wanting something where she couldn't get it by means of her brother. Hell, even Byakuya was scared shitless of his sister.

_"Biii-yaaa-ku-ya!" _

_Byakuya nearly had a stroke when he heard the familar sing-song tone of her words. He swept the towers of paperwork he had stacked up by complex order on his desk into the floor. He shoveled it under his desk, and chipped a nail by accident on one of the floorboards._

He made a mental note to see his therapist, get a manicure, visit his urologist over his increasingly weak bladder—likely due to pissing himself one to many times whenever she_ came around—his attorney, his lawyer, his gastrologist, and someone who could fucking install home security on this godforsaken place. Or he could just build a mote around his office._

_Byakuya put his slender hand over his unsheathed blade in preparation to strike should it be necessary._

The door slid open and hit the paneling. Rukia strode in, her violet eyes flickering in the dim lighting of the room and settling on his work table, which was empty save for a box of pocky.

She went over and inspected that, overturning it, then picking it up and shaking it just to make sure all of its contents were gone. Unsatisfied and hungry, she turned around and left.

Rukia placed her hand on the door and closed it behind her with a faint click. Byakuya closed his eyes.

Thank God. He'd thought it was Yachiru... The fiery lieutenant was hell on wheels when he didn't have candy on him. She always destroyed his paperwork or burned it.

Okay, so maybe Ichigo was misguided. Byakuya _wasn't _terrified of his sister.

* * *

Ichigo was recovering in squad 4's barracks for the evening after a fatal encounter with a Hollow in the Living World.

The tines on the monster's body had been poisonous, and unfortunately he'd gotten stuck with quite a few of them. If Toshiro hadn't been so quick on his feet, he wouldn't be alive now.

His wounds ached and he had multiple puncture wounds, but he was alright so long as he didn't turn or curl, or make any sudden bodily movements.

After awhile of talking to the companions who'd accompanied him via _senkaimon _with the relief unit and being repetitively badgered by Orihime, who was incapable of never shutting up around him, he finally settled down to sleep.

"Ichigo," a voice said. He leaped up in the air instinctively and reached over for Zangetsu, muscles taut and poised for combat.

"Hey! It's just me!" Rukia groused, batting him away.

"You freakin' idiot! Don't sneak up on me like that!" he scolded. She flushed suddenly and averted her gaze, uncertain.

"What's wrong?" he asked, bothered by her change in behavior. Rukia folded her hands in front of her, clasping them and twining her fingers together before letting them swing back to her sides.

"I..." She chuckled and looked up at the ceiling. "There's something I've been wanting to say for awhile now...it's just, now that I'm here, I don't know how to go about it." Ichigo propped himself up and blinked.

"Rukia...whatever you need to say to me, you can say in absolute confidence, okay?" His voice was reassuring. She smiled, more positive of herself now.

"Okay," she said. "I'm not who you think I am." This came out in one single breath.

Ichigo blinked a couple of times in quick succession. "Al...right. Um...Who are you, then?"

"Before I tell you, there's just something I want you to know," she told him, and exhaled steadily. "I love you."

Ichigo squawked. "WHAT?!" His voice came out shrill and high.

She didn't finish there. "I want you, I want to marry you, and I want to have children," she said, all in one mouthful. A pink hue colored Rukia's cheeks, a pleased look gleaming in the indigo flecks of her irises.

She bounced lightly up and down on the balls of her feet, anxious and yet eager all at the same moment.

She backed up a few inches and lifted her hands, palms face-up. A meager steam floated up around her, and in a flash, she wasn't Rukia anymore. SHE was Charlotte Culhourrne.

"GAAAAAAH!" Ichigo screeched, toppling backward and trying to scramble away. "Rukia" leaned forward and grabbed him by the ankle, pulling him over to the edge of the mattress.

"I wuv you so much, Ichigo!" she said in a sickly sweet voice. She then proceeded to smother him in her outrageously muscled bosom. Another figure stepped out from behind the Charlotte-with-Rukia's-voice.

Unohana's eyes flashed, which were overwhelmingly, hellishly evil in contrast to her straight, docile countenance and her calmative smile.

"Kurosaki, if you insist on disturbing the residents here..." she began, "I shall have to exorcize you."

Unohana glided over to him. "N-No!" he wailed. She uncapped a sharpie marker and handed it to Charlotte, who was eye-raping him as provacitively as possible. Charlotte/Rukia took the Sharpie and wrote on his forehead in neat letters before backing away and unzipping his/her skin, revealing...Byakuya.

"YAAAAAAAAAGH!" Ichigo slammed straight through the ceiling. Unfortunately, the concussive pain to his skull caused him to fall back down onto his bed.

In a sinister tone overlapped by Rukia's voice, Byakuya said, "WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER." Unohana brought out a scythe; a demonic aura emanated from Byakuya. Ichigo's eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he passed out, flopping limply back onto the mattress, which was covered with debris from the ceiling.

Byakuya turned fractionally, stiffly, and inclined his head to Unohana.

"Thank you."

"Do you believe it worked, captain Kuchiki?" she inquired, lowering the scythe.

"Yes. I don't believe he'll ever be kissing Rukia again...or looking in her direction, for that matter."

Byakuya exited the room without only a passing glance to Ichigo, who had the words EVIL HEARTS U written in Sharpie across his forehead. So...Rukia-esque. The boy would never suspect him.

After that incident, Ichigo never looked at Rukia the same way again. He kept his distance for fear of another total mind-fuck.


End file.
